This Unicorn Is Named Stretch

“What’s wrong?”
“I gotta babysit my little sister tonight. How bout you? You don’t look happy.”
“I just beat the sewer level, and now I have to do an escort mission.”
“Ouch. And I thought I had it bad.”

Gamers hate escort missions. We really do. From X-wing to Goldeneye to Bioshock, escort missions are the equivalent of the absent-minded dentist drilling into your face before giving you a shot of novocaine.

Well, I should quantify that statement - the gamer one, not the doc-these-tears-are-real one. Most hate this mechanic because the person/object you have to escort is equipped with moron AI; poor path-finding, an inability to distinguish between walking down a hall and walking into gunfire. They have to be watched every single step of the way. They are babies, minus the cute factor.

Well, some babies are cute.

In the world of science - where magic takes place - there are two ideas called the Availability Heuristic and the Affect Heuristic - or what Daniel Gardner in his book The Science of Fear calls the Example Rule and Good-Bad Rule, respectively. Example Rule states “the easier it is to recall examples of something, the more common that something must be or the more common they judge that thing to be.” The Good-Bad Rule states “when faced with something, Gut [unconscious thought] may instantly experience a raw feeling that something is good or bad.”

In the world of non-scientific polling - where you can make all the correlations you want - I’ve found that the majority of people who don’t mind escort missions are the ones who either game as a mere distraction or have started gaming within the last generation. For the rest of us gamers going all Wrath of Khan, Good-Bad tells us escort missions feel more like work than fun. Example tells us this is an epidemic because every other game since the beginning of the dinosaurs has an escort-type mission and only every other one of these is barely tolerable.

So no more escort missions please.

Something to think about: What are some other gameplay mechanics you can do without? Cuz I’ve got a ton.

I Wear a Smoking Jacket When I Game. And Post

Shown: cucumber sandwich. Not Shown: Algernon Moncrieff

Is there such a thing as a pretentious game? I’m sure all of us can name a pretentious film or novel or piece of music, but at the moment I’m coming up with blanks for games. Even Bioshock, a game famous for its Producer and story built around Objectivism, I wouldn’t consider it to be flaunting self-importance. I vaguely remember reading somewhere in a forum that applied the teleological suspension of the ethical to Shadow of the Colossus. Heck, even the name Kierkegaard conjures images of Victorians eating cucumber sandwiches while sitting cross-legged, complaining about the insensibility of the lower class and their meat sandwiches.

Perhaps it’s the interactive element that prevents pomposity in games from the outset - I think even without watching, say, American Beauty, you can tell by the poster or trailer that this movie is flowery. But what is it about this interactivity? Is it because games are designed for play, maximum funinosity? But then what about polo, where players ride horses and swings mallets? Knights these players are not. Fancy leg guards and silly hats with neck straps equals more tea, guvnor.

Perhaps it’s the subject matter and setting. The games that tend to emit self-importance usually trip and impale themselves on their gunswords. No, I didn’t forget the /. When a movie or book self-inflates, we usually roll our eyes or think nothing of it. If a game tries to do the same thing, we tend to be more lenient because, in the end, all we’re really doing is playing with toys; instead of actually holding the action figures, we’re using a 20-button controller or mouse and keyboard to bash the heroes and villains into each other. Actually, this could be a reason to doubly roll our eyes. “Good lord, this game drops as many philosophical ideas as I’m dropping space goblins.”

Or perhaps it has to do with the box covers - though not nearly as garish as comic book ones. Look at box descriptors and you’ll find gems like “impactful slow motion gun battles!” All the cucumber sandwiches in the world couldn’t stop a bullet point like that.

Something to think about: would pretentious games be such a bad thing to have?

"I play video games better than everybody."

A couple months ago, Sony Computer Entertainment of Japan released a PSN game called The Last Guy. From Gamespot: “In the wake of a global catastrophe, you run through stages built from satellite images of notable real-world locations, from Trafalgar Square in London to the National Mall in Washington, DC.” Every other preview of the game mentioned its “Google-esque Maps” style.

Even though this Sony game doesn’t utilize Googlie Maps, the idea of using other apps to generate data for your game is an interesting approach; for one, real-life values don’t feel as cold and sterile as randomly calculated numbers. Let’s take a look at a couple of other turn-an-everyday-app-into-a-game possibilities:

”MIA on AIM”
The -esque: instant messengers
What’s It About: A text adventure game that plays in an IM window. you take the role of a private investigator who has been asked to look for a missing girl. And the person who sent you the message - the missing girl! Ooh, the suspense, it’s killing me…no really, it’s trying to break down my door. Help.
Why Should I Bother: you’re already on IM at work, so why not use IM while using IM to play a game while at work. That’s like killing one bird with two stones - heavy, boulder-sized stones.

make sure your replies are in the correct window.

”This Country Is Going Down The YouTubes”
The -esque: Youtube, embedded Youtubery
What’s It About: An epic high-fantasy game, its world map the Internet. You play a troll who must start fires in Youtube or any comment section that has an embedded Youtube vid in its post.
Why Should I Bother: Trolls are always depicted as the baddies. But not this time, because you are the troll, and since you are the player, that means you are the Hero. So go out into the Internet and become the most heroic troll there ever was.

can you bear being a flaming troll? *troll not shown

"This is bad comedy," says Galvatron

this is not Galvatron

When podcasts first appeared, I shrugged. Why would I listen to people talk about something when I could just as easily read about said something? If I’m going to listen to anything on my commute, it’s gonna be some rad tunes, not commentary on the situational awareness of conflicting viewpoints.

And that was my failing assumption. Why I felt they all sounded like NPR, I have no idea, considering “podcast” sounds more playful than “broadcast.”

I’ve become a fiend for podcasts. As a news source, they aren’t worth the download; by the time I Save Link As, I’ve already read the day’s news from at least 3 different sources. Like good writing, a good ‘cast showcases the writers’ personalities - most of the ‘casters I listen to are also the writers for their outfit, company, corporation, whatever.

Most writing on the internet reads the same, so when you hear a ‘caster talking about whatever topic he/she has written about, it allows you to modulate the voice you hear in your head while reading their stuff. It’s not a necessity to put the actual aural voice behind the written one.

If a group is going to argue, and share opinions and analogies on a given topic, a podcast is a better forum since there are more opportunities to make a point - effective and logical counters reinforce stances. Plus, we are much more forgiving when someone is trying to articulate an argument through speech than through the cadence in their writing because of the immediacy missing in print and online. We expect a zero percent fail rate when it comes to….

Ok, that’s enough stroking my…chin. I think the attraction is their entertainment value. So basically, this post was just a long-winded way of saying podcasts are fun. Someone - I’m bad with names - once said “the easiest way into a group is to be the jokester.” If a podcast doesn’t have me smiling within the first ten minutes, it gets deleted from my podcast folder.

I thumbs up SModcast, featuring Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier. “SModcast features harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Listener discretion is advised.” If I’m going to spend time with a podcast, I don’t want debates paid for by advertisers; I’d much rather listen to two people argue about whether or not Helen Keller lied about her handicaps and was “party to an elaborate ruse.”

Something to Think About: Considering the logistics for radio are greater, if a podcast is paid for by an entity/sponsor, should ‘casters still have the freedom to talk about anything? And where are the weather podcasts?

Laughing at Ad Week

I attended an Advertising Week event yesterday morning called Internet Comedy: Pushing Advertising’s F**king Limits. The filthy language caught my eye. Anyway, the theme revolved around harnessing the censor-free haven known as the Internet while maintaining client happiness (i.e., how to walk the fine line between side-splitting and crude).

While the focus was on the digital realm, the viewpoint on advertising was by and large traditional. The panelists – one from College Humor, one from The Onion, one from Comedy Central – all showed some LOL (and for the most part raunchy) clips. A great way to start my Thursday. However, the discussion didn’t go much beyond the conventional platform of clients sponsoring or tying their name to original content.

I was hoping for an exploration of injecting brands with humor. Certainly this wouldn’t work for all brands…but it would for many that target a younger demographic. They can afford to be playful. But if they really want to engage their hip (and skeptical) audience, they shouldn’t just dish out laughs. They should be willing to get laughed at in return (whether that’s through consumer-generated content or by straight up getting mocked). Opening up a dialogue where the audience can respond visibly and openly is scary for most brands. They don’t like to be scoffed at. Can you blame them?

Something to Think About: “Popularity breeds contempt.” – Boy George. Hey you big popular brands: deal with it. If you believe in your product, you should be able to face the critics and let their voices be heard. Laughing at yourself is a good thing.